We all fear the end that we could never avoid. The frustrating part is, at times it plays tricks with us—with it coming naturally or as a total surprise. We could be happy just the day before and be in total shock the following day. They say that those who die naturally are lucky as they get to be more prepared. But how, how can we be truly be prepared for an end? The truth is… we couldn’t.
At a very young age, I already feared the pain of losing someone. I recall an essay I once wrote in grade school saying that if I have one wish, I would love to wish to be the first one to go for I just couldn’t bear the pain of being separated from my loved ones… forever. And at that time, I do not even have the slightest idea on how much pain the word “loss” could inflict.
It hurts to see your loved ones in pain, not in their best shape. But we all have to be strong for them so that they would have an extra source of strength.
Never let them see your tears for that would bring them more pain than any sickness.
Yes, I had my moment of weakness. I tried to escape the pain by eating a lot (and drinking on Fridays) thinking it would make me happy, at least for a bit. I tried to be busier with work and friends to distract myself but thoughts get inside my mind and pierce my heart (and it gets deeper and deeper each time). The fear remains. It’s so powerful that all I could do is cry.
For the past 27 years, I could confidently say that my grandmother has been with me through thick and thin. She took care of me with so much love. She has supported all my ventures in life—studies, career, and even love. I still recall how we would spend a lovely afternoon together. She tends the garden while I play with my mini car while waiting for the Nestle lady to arrive.
I cannot imagine life without her because she is a big part of my world.
Seeing her sick, thin, and still worried for us is too painful that I can’t even describe it. How I wish asking for life is as easy as in Candy Crush. But life isn’t that easy. It is full of mysteries and challenges. And I would love to hold on MIRACLES. I want to believe that there are miracles. I want to believe that I could hold on her longer… so much longer.
I feel ashamed that I could not proudly call myself as a great granddaughter. I know I have a lot of shortcomings. I know I have disappointed you at some point. Please be strong… become much stronger. Please let me take care of you this time around. It may not amount to even a single percent of how much care I got from you, but I want you to feel loved just how you made me feel so precious. I want the world to know how lucky I am to have you. You are such a big blessing to me, to my sister, to everyone. Let me hold on you longer. Let me love you more. Please stay longer.